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Joanne Richards, Ex-Christian, USA
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Description: How a Californian woman with a “fast and loose” lifestyle gradually found her way to Islam.
By Joanne Richards
Published on 05 Jul 2010 - Last modified on 22 Jul 2010
Viewed: 2664 (daily average: 4) - Rating: 4.8 out of 5 - Rated by: 11
Printed: 144 - Emailed: 3 - Commented on: 5
Category: Articles
> Stories of New Muslims
> Women
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My background was that of a typical California American
growing up in the early sixties. My parents raised us five kids as Catholic,
but with the divorce of my parents when I was 11, we kind of fell away from the
church. In those years, it was very disgraceful to divorce so we felt like
outcasts. I never really felt connected to Christianity though, even as a child.
It somehow never really made any sense to me and I detected inconsistencies
even at an early age. I used to go to communion so I wouldn’t have to answer
questions during Catechism.
Well, in typical California style we were kind of left
to raise ourselves after the divorce. There wasn’t much in the way of guidance.
Although my mom loved us a lot, she was suddenly the sole caregiver of five
children. I only saw my dad about five or six times after that. Left to our own
devices, I was pregnant by the time I was 16 and ended up married to the father
of my children.
Pretty much a “shot-gun wedding” I’m afraid. We stayed
married for 16 years and had two children. I had missed out on the “hippie”
thing when I had gotten married in 1964 when all that “drop out and drop acid”
stuff was happening. To make this short, I ended up leaving after all those
years and running away to San Francisco to “find out who I was” and to become
“liberated”!
What I found was liquor, drugs, sex, rock & roll. I
was in such a hurry to “live” that I gave no thought to morality or anything
like that... just a completely hedonistic approach to life.
I came to know about Islam through a young man newly
arrived in America. He was from a large family and was here alone and feeling
quite lost with all the new experiences confronting him. We found a comfort in
each other as I was also alone without family or friends for the first time in
my life. I began to respect some of the qualities I saw in him. He was very
honest and never made excuses for himself. I saw a complete acceptance and
confidence in him that I never experienced in anyone before. He would tell me
things about the Quran which were interesting to me. He was very low key and
didn’t ever pressure me in any way. I liked what I saw in him. The fact that he
was honest really impressed me. I had never even thought that a person could
survive in life in a clean and honest manner. He had me do Shahada the first
time we were together even though I didn’t have any idea what it was. Sometimes
I think that even though I didn’t know what I was saying... God did and took it
seriously!
As a matter of fact, I was really afraid of Islam
because I was afraid that God would make me boring and trapped if I became a Muslim.
I was so naive about Islam that my perceptions were really skewed. I carried
all of the misinformation as many Americans do. What I had in the back of my
sick mind was some correlation to the nuns I had seen as a child. They seemed
to me to be trapped in a prison of morals. I remember always feeling that they
were lonely and dull and all they could do was pray. That seemed to me to be an
empty life. At that point anything that seemed “fun” was not allowed.
But God truly is great. Somehow, He gave me all the rope
I needed to hang myself then ended up being there when I fell. Anyways, after
meeting this man I still spent a few more years “wandering in the wilderness”.
After this young man and I parted ways, I called the
mosque and asked if I could get a copy of the Quran. I just wanted to know more
about it. I never intended to “become” Muslim.
Well, when I read the very beginning of the Yusuf Ali
edition, the summary actually, I just cried. I was awestruck by the beauty and
mercy and grace. It touched me in a way that nothing else ever had. When I read
the Fatiha, I knew it was something very special but I was certainly not ready
to accept or understand even a fragment of it. The beauty of it’s verses
galvanized me. Many of the fundamental principles I just could not imagine ever
agreeing with or understanding. What most impressed me was the forgiveness and
mercy. That incredible Graciousness of Allah. I was going to need lots of these
blessings with the kind of life I was living and continued to live for several
more years. Even though I would read the Quran and gradually began to truly and
deeply in my heart believe in it as the words of God, I still wasn’t ready to
give up my fast and loose lifestyle. I was certainly very much like a baby
taking baby steps into an unknown world.
I was recently asked, “How difficult was it to suddenly
stop and give up many of the things you had been doing when you became Muslim?”
It wasn’t difficult because I didn’t suddenly give up anything! It took me five
years from the time I first started reading the Quran to make the conscious
decision to stop eating pork! My family was Italian, so pork was a mainstay of
our cuisine. But when I said to myself after five years of reading the Quran
that maybe I should give it up because Allah had prescribed it to us as
unclean, it was very difficult! It took me about a year of eating it and
feeling guilty before it began to make me sick when I ate it. Now, I just look
at the salami in the supermarket and say, “Well, it’s a small thing Allah asks
of us”.
That’s how I feel about Ramadan. I asked someone what is
the first thing they think of when they realize Ramadan is coming. They said
the first thing is, “Oh, Aghhh!”, then right after that is, “Oh, Yeah!”. That’s
what I think too. That feeling of anxiety, I guess because we know we are
facing a challenge and fearful that we might fail. And then we think of that
sweet feeling upon breaking fast at the proper time and knowing that you have
offered up to Allah one more day in honor of your devotion to Him... because it
is a small thing that He asks of us. To fast for one month only, to really try
for one month only to follow his path in a very concentrated and focused way.
Sometimes when I feel temptation during Ramadan, I say that to myself...”it’s a
small thing He asks of us” and He grants us so much mercies and forgiveness.
Liquor, promiscuity, stealing, lying, cheating, etc...
have slowly departed over the course of these thirteen years. Now when I think
back I can’t even imagine that the person behaving that way was me. It is so
different from who I am today. Liquor brought me to my knees and Allah was
there to help me back up. I had disappointed my children and certainly was a
poor role model for them. But Mash’Allah, they both have the Holy Quran in
their homes today and see the different person I have become because of my most
sincere and deep belief in it. My granddaughters believe in Allah and always
want to hear “God Stories”.
My father has passed on, but my mother is surprisingly
tolerant towards my belief in Islam. Although sometimes I think she thinks it
is “just a phase”. My brothers and sisters all are respectful towards my
beliefs although they too have many of the misconceptions and stereotypes many
Americans hold.
One thing I had a great problem with when I finally
accepted that I was becoming Muslim was some of the attitudes of the Muslims I
met. I would occasionally try to go to the Mosque but was usually disheartened
by the questions or instructions I would receive from brothers and sisters
there. Usually, the first question is, “Who is your husband?” If I said that I
didn’t have one, I was viewed with suspicion and usually no one would talk to
me after that. I was told that Allah would not accept my prayers because I was
wearing nail polish. That can be very discouraging for someone seeking
knowledge and contact with Allah and the Islamic community. I was instructed to
do some very unusual things which I found odd to say the least. It took me about
seven years to differentiate between “cultural customs” and Islamic practices.
I know from other converts I have talked with they have had similar
experiences. But, there are the sweet memories of praying alongside my sisters
during Ramadan or Jumah when I feel so close to Allah that I weep with
gratitude for the gift He gave me of the Quran and Islam.
I sometimes see this journey as one Allah has chosen for
me and which He isn’t going to let me out of! Of course, I have come to be very
grateful for His patience and tolerance for my weakness.
I still have many goals which I wish to achieve with my
faith. I have come to accept my belief in Islam as a progression, a journey, a
seed that was planted and has grown into a strong and living presence in my
soul. I am not perfect, but I believe that I am a better Muslim this year than
I was last year. I know by the number of things that I have left behind that
were not pleasing to Allah. I know with each passing Ramadan because I can look
back at my first weak attempts at fasting and realize that I can look forward
to this month and that Allah will be there to help me through the weak moments.
My children respect me. I honor my mother as Allah asks of us. I have come to
accept the difficulties in my life as opportunities for Allah to strengthen me
or let me practice patience or tolerance... or to “grow” me in some way.
For me, embracing Islam has been the single greatest
gift ever granted to me. I am still grateful and awestruck by it.
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