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Natassia M. Kelly, Ex-Christian, USA (part 1 of 2)
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Description: A Christian girl finds it hard to come to terms with the tenets of belief in Christianity.
By Natassia M. Kelly
Published on 16 Jan 2006 - Last modified on 10 Jul 2006
Viewed: 13031 (daily average: 9) - Rating: 4 out of 5 - Rated by: 12
Printed: 569 - Emailed: 13 - Commented on: 2
Category: Articles
> Stories of New Muslims
> Women
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I was raised to believe in God from childhood. I
attended church nearly every Sunday, went to Bible school, and sang in the
choir. Yet religion was never a really big part of my life.
There were times when I thought myself close to
God. I often prayed to Him for guidance and strength in times of despair or
for a wish in times of want. But I soon realized that this feeling of
closeness soon evaporated when I was no longer begging God for something. I
realized that even though I believed, I lacked faith.
I perceived the world to be a game in which God
indulged in from time to time. He inspired people to write a Bible and somehow
people were able to find faith within this Bible.
As I grew older and became more aware of the
world, I believed more in God. I believed that there had to be a God to bring
some order to the chaotic world. If there were no God, I believed the world
would have ended in utter anarchy thousands of years ago. It was comfort to me
to believe there was a supernatural force guiding and protecting man.
Children usually assume their religion from
parents. I was no different. At the age of 12, I began to give in depth
thinking to my spirituality. I realized there was a void in my life where a
faith should be. Whenever I was in need or despair, I simply prayed to someone
called Lord. But who was this Lord truly? I once asked my mother who to pray
to, Jesus or God. Believing my mother to be right, I prayed to Jesus and to
him I attributed all good things.
I have heard that religion cannot be argued. My
friends and I tried to do this many times. I often had debates with my friends
about Protestantism, Catholicism, and Judaism. Through these debates I
searched within myself more and more and decided I should do something about my
emptiness. And so at the age of 13, I began my search for truth.
Humankind is always in constant pursuit of
knowledge or the truth. My search for truth could not be deemed as an active
pursuit of knowledge. I continued having the debates, and I read the Bible
more, but it did not really extend from this. During this period of time, my
mother took notice of my behavior, and from then on I have been in a “religious
phase.” My behavior was far from a phase. I simply shared my newly gained
knowledge with my family. I learned about the beliefs, practices, and
doctrines within Christianity and minimal beliefs and practices within Judaism.
A few months within my search, I realized that
if I believe in Christianity I believed myself to be condemned to Hell. Not
even considering the sins of my past, I was on a “one way road to Hell” as
southern ministers tend to say. I could not believe all the teachings within
Christianity. However, I did try.
I can remember many times being in church and
fighting with myself during the Call to Discipleship. I was told that by
simply confessing Jesus to be my Lord and Savior, I would be guaranteed eternal
life in Heaven. I never did walk down the aisle to the pastor’s outstretched
hands, and my reluctance even increased my fears of heading for Hell. During
this time I was at unease. I often had alarming nightmares, and I felt very
alone in the world.
But not only did I lack belief but I had many
questions that I posed to every knowledgeable Christian I could find and never
really did receive a satisfactory answer. I was simply told things that
confused me even more. I was told that I am trying to put logic to God and if
I had faith I could simply believe and go to Heaven. Well, that was the
problem: I did not have faith. I did not believe.
I did not really believe in anything. I did
believe there was a God and that Jesus was his son sent to save humankind. That
was it. My questions and reasoning did, however, exceed my beliefs.
The questions went on and on. My perplexity
increased. My uncertainty increased. For fifteen years I had blindly followed
a faith simply because it was the faith of my parents.
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